Disclaimer: part of me really, really doesn't want to post this. Fear. Worry. Knowing others continue to experience the road we have walked or different roads of pain.
Two years ago tomorrow I was preparing for my first D&C after a miscarriage. Not a fun April fools. I always thought I was prepared for a miscarriage given our constant fertility struggle. But no one is prepared for a miscarriage. Or a second one. And infertility is a bitch.
Because we have been as open as one gets on social media about our loss. Our bad and ugly. We feel called to share our good. Our joy. This is tough as I have been in the shoes not being able to see joy in the midst of pain. And I don't want to present this in a way that makes it seem that joy comes easy for others. Or that if you just wait there's always a rainbow….though I do believe the scriptures which do speak of this. But I also know the taste of my pain pales in comparison to the insurmountable pain others experience. And I honestly didn't believe we would find joy in this area of our life so I judge no one who is unable to see joy.
So for anyone walking that path please feel free to move on. Cry, scream, eat a donut. But please, please know you are not alone. And know you are loved even on days when you don't feel that love.
I also have a sense of sadness about experiencing joy after suffering because it needs to be known this has nothing to do with who Shawn and I are. We aren't in a season of joy now because we prayed enough times or that we did enough good things. And having joy now still doesn't provide me with amazing cheerful answers to why our world is the way it is and why some suffer more than others, etc. I will say in this I learned more about God’s love for me (though this is still a struggle) and how I underestimate His opposition in this world. So I will also add to those suffering that God’s love for you is absolutely beyond measure. If you could experience it without this opposition it would be so overwhelming and all consuming you would fall to the ground and feel the suffocating love He has for you.
So here we are. Sharing the good. Sharing the mighty work of the Father after two years of sadness. I prayed more during that time for God to take away my desire to have children than I actually prayed for children. Shawn and the kids however continued to pray for our family to grow. Two years ago if someone had said your family won't grow for at least two years I'm not sure I would have stayed the path. But for some reason God continued to lead us down a path (often despite my own resistance because of fear.) And now I'm so very thankful He lead us here. And we stand in awe at this crazy, crazy answer to prayer…..
If you want to hear the good. Just watch….